I told you that bitch was crazy

What on earth will this accomplish?

Let’s pretend I ran a football team, and the team I was running was having some trouble. Well, the whole team isn’t having trouble. It’s more like one player is causing the trouble. He’s selfish, makes ridiculous statements to the media and is not a “team player.” Because of this one player, the rest of the team is constantly forced to say and do the right things in order to make up for this one guy. An unspoken level of stress and animosity builds up throughout the team because they can’t understand why this one player who does everything wrong off the field gets all the attention.

Now, if you had to guess what position that guy played what would you say? Wide receiver, right? (Or, Terrell Owens to be specific because that’s who I was thinking about as I wrote the previous paragraph.) A lot has been written about T.O. and why he acts the way he does. But I don’t think I have ever seen an article about what it is about receivers that make them act that way. People like T.O., Chad Johnson, Randy Moss, Kellen Winslow and Jeremy Shockey are just a few in the long line of receivers who are outspoken, talented when they want to be and quite frankly, really annoying. (I know the last two are tight ends, but they are receiving tight ends so save your comment corrections.)

Philosophy for the Shallow: Plato’s Cave, baseball and subjective reality

Once upon a time there was a Greek philosopher who took a bunch of mushrooms and wandered into a cave. He must have started a fire, and in the midst of making shadow puppets on the wall and mumbling to himself he was hit by an hallucinatory bolt of lightning. He realized that he controlled everything that he could see projected on the wall. His mind then jumped to a conclusion that could only be made possible by the presence of hallucinogens—what if everything we see is someone else’s shadow puppets.

When Plato came down, he formulated his Allegory of the Cave. He “philosophized” that most humans are unenlightened because they are content to simply name the shapes and shadows that others are projecting into their reality. However, the enlightened human will eventually turn around, see the “projectionist” behind them and walk outside.

College Football Preview Bonanza

A showdown in the second week of the season? Or is the Ohio State USC game a preview of the BCS Championship?

Let the trumpets sound Hail to the Victors and Fight On; unleash Bevo and Traveller; hear the 12th Man roar. College football is about to begin. Roll out the Ole Ball Coach and the Jeweled Shillelagh. Go to the Swamp or between the Hedges. Visit a valley–Happy or Death. What is a Buckeye? Or a Sooner? Exactly what is happening when the Golden Domers meet Trojans? Bring on the East Coast bias. Bring on the Cardinal and the Orange. The spread option and the fun and gun. Who’s ready for “Whoa Nelly” or the Heisman? It’s time for my third annual college football preview bonanza.

Like last year, I will give an overview of each conference, and I will pick the winner and a dark horse (the Dark Horse cannot be ranked in the current top 25). I will also try to make a hilarious category for each conference, as well as give you the national championship game participants and winner. I will also be making a Heisman pick. So let’s get started.

Sports that should be in the Olympics

Lest we forget...

With the Olympics drawing to a close and the accomplishments of Michael Phelps and Usain Bolt quickly fading behind the ramp up to the Presidential election season, it has become apparent that Olympic achievements do not have the staying power that they once did. Remember when Karrie Strug won the gold medal with a broken leg and throughout the next three months she would randomly show up on shows like Melrose Place where the actors would point at her and say, “is that Karrie Strug?” because the writers couldn’t come up with an adequate Strug-centric plot. No, you probably don’t. Mary Lou Retton won the gold medal in gymnastics and she was in Scrooged. Does that ring any bells? No?

Anyway, my point is that the Olympics have lost some of their glamour in a media culture constantly searching for its next story. Plus, who has really watched the Olympics since Phelps won his eighth medal. The second week lineup of events has read like the red headed stepchild of competition: power walking, diving and synchronized swimming, just to name a few. I think the Olympics should add a couple of sports to drum up interest in the second week.