It’s a man-off. A man-off.

From left to right: Don Draper of Mad Men, Tony Soprano of The Sopranos, Tommy Gavin of Resuce Me and Jimmy McNulty of The Wire

Back in college the magazine I worked for did a tournament to determine who the manliest man in history was. Contestants included Bruce Lee, Genghis Khan, Mickey Spillane and George Patton. What made a man “manlier” than other is how he fared in three categories: drinking, whoring and fighting. I have decided to extend this format to four of the preeminent male characters on television today: Don Draper from Mad Men, Tony Soprano from the Sopranos, Jimmy McNulty from The Wire and Tommy Gavin from Rescue Me. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s a man-off.

Drinking: The first category in this contest is drinking. Contestants will be judged not only on sheer volume, but also on how well they hold their liquor. Contestants will also be judged on the quality of liquor they drink, and how often liquor affects the next two categories: fighting and whoring.

Tony Soprano: While not a full fledged alcoholic like everyone else in this contest, Tony scores points for his ability to make sipping whiskey out of a shot glass manly. His sheer bulk makes the tiny glass look like a thimble in his hand. Tony also scores points for his frequent drinks at the Badda Bing. Not only do we get gratuitous nudity because it’s a strip club, but we get to see Steve Van Zandt is that ridiculous wig.

Don Draper: Like Tony Soprano, I don’t think Don Draper would consider himself an alcoholic, but in a recent episode a doctor asked him how many drinks he had in a day and Don said five. Five drinks a day makes you an alcoholic. Don scores points because he always looks classy drinking everything from an old-fashioned to a plain old beer. Don also excels at drinking because he can give one of his classic “why people need this” speeches after a three martini lunch. Draper has an advantage for the sheer fact that he has a bar in his office.

Tommy Gavin: Tommy is at a disadvantage because he’s been on the wagon since season one. However, in the span of those 13 episodes, Tommy could be seen drinking glasses full of vodka, vodka straight from the bottle and vodka straight out of a distillery. Tommy drank at work, at home and even while having sex with his dead cousin’s wife. One advantage the writer’s of the show have with Tommy being sober is they can always flash to Tommy beginning to drink again while everyone watching yells “no, Tommy, don’t do it.” Only to reveal that it was a daydream or some other projection of Tommy’s mind.

Jimmy McNulty: Jimmy holds a special place in my heart for two reasons: first, he drinks Jameson’s. Second, whenever he is drinking Bunk Moreland is usually with him, and that guy is hilarious. However, unlike everyone else on this list, Jimmy is a public menace when he drinks. He’s a cop, so he always has a gun on him. He frequently drives. One time he crashed his car while driving drunk, and then he crashed it again just for funsies. And, Jimmy has no problem showing up at your door at 2 in the morning completely belligerent and begging for sex. Oh, and the whole time he’s doing this, he’ll either talk about his ex-wife or his man crush, Stringer Bell.

Winner: Don Draper

Draper wins for his sheer functionality. He also wins because every time I watch that show it makes me want to drink. He makes it look so classy, elegant and socially acceptable to have a blood alcohol level constantly above 0.1. In all honesty, the only way you can be ostracized for drinking on that show is if you piss yourself before a big meeting. If Freddy had done that any other day, he’d still have his job.

Fighting: This category will be scored on not only on fighting aptitude, but for frequency and with whom they chose to fight. Murdering does not count as fighting nor does using things like baseball bats and Billy clubs.

Tony Soprano: Tony is at a disadvantage because I ruled out murdering. While Tony did not fight with people that frequently, when he did he usually won, and it was usually hilarious. In the very first episode, Tony hits a guy with his car, and as the guy is on the ground crying because he can see the bone sticking out of his leg, Tony begins to kick and stomp on the exposed bone. Tony loses points for picking a fight with the most non-threatening mobster in the history of mobster-dom Bobby Baccala.

Don Draper: Don Draper loses huge points in this category. I think the big secret of Mad Men is that deep down Don Draper is a giant pussy. While he has not been presented with many situations to actually throw down, he did punch that comic in the face after he told Don’s wife that Don was having an affair with the comic’s wife. But the whole “assuming a different identity so I don’t have to face my problems” severely detracts from Don’s manliness. Plus, the way he treated his brother gets a big thumbs down.

Tommy Gavin: Tommy will throw down with anyone, his brother, his cousin, cops, priests, his ex-wife’s boyfriends, his cousin’s ghost, lesbians, gays and Uncle Teddy. I think the only people on the show Tommy hasn’t punched/slapped/kicked in the face is his kids. While in the real world Tommy would have been locked away long ago for a whole range of aggravated assaults, the people he punches in the face always deserve it. All of this is made doubly hilarious by the simple fact that Denis Leary is one of the skinniest men alive and the idea that he could dominate so many people so thoroughly is laughable.

Jimmy McNulty: Like Tony Soprano and Don Draper, McNulty doesn’t get that many opportunities to fight. Usually, because he is too drunk to care. In one episode, Jimmy (remember he’s a cop) comes across three guys who are trying to break into a car. He tries to make them stop, but all that comes out is slurred gibberish. He then proceeds to slip, fall and roll down a hill. The bad guys run away, but I am certain they were laughing.

Winner: Tommy Gavin

Tommy wins for quantity not quality. While the other three guys in the competition all fare well in a fight, Tommy is the only one who goes looking for them. Tommy also has the advantage of having the literal job of “fighting” fires. I think Tommy would also win the metaphorical battle of fighting personal demons because the other three suffer from existential impotence (I debated making that a category, but then I remembered no one cares when I use phrases like that).

Whoring: Like before, both quality and quantity count. This will probably be the hardest category because all four of these guys do insane amounts of whoring.

Tony Soprano: Tony Soprano is a special beast for this simple reason: While he is married, he always has a mistress on the side, and he will randomly fornicate with anything that comes his way. He doesn’t just cheat on his wife; he cheats on his mistress. Tony Soprano participates in non-linear infidelity. The only problem with the women Tony chooses to bone is that they are all bat-shit crazy. The Russian, the Mercedes dealer, Julianna Margulies, they’re all out of their minds.

Don Draper: In the two seasons that Mad Men has been on, Don Draper has run through one of the most impressive string of women in the history of television. Like Tony Soprano, he has a beautiful wife at home, but he’s constantly going after these strong, independent types. The artist, the department store owner, the comic’s wife, all of these women are the complete opposite of his wife at home. What would put Don over the top is if he would sleep with the saucy redhead in the office, or the secretary that’s now getting married to Roger.

Tommy Gavin: Every woman Tommy Gavin sleeps with is gorgeous, and, like Tony Soprano, they’re out-of-their-mind crazy. Tommy loses points because he insists that he still wants to be with his wife when he has the likes of Marissa Tomei and Jennifer Esposito throwing themselves at him. And then there was the whole Ms. Turbody ordeal when he stole his nephew’s fuck buddy who was also said nephew’s science teacher.

Jimmy McNulty: Jimmy McNulty is a victim of his show’s commitment to reality. Yes, he has lots and lots of sex. But because the creators want their show to be realistic the women aren’t on the same level as the other shows. With that being said McNulty gets points for sheer ingenuity. The best McNulty moment is when he has to go undercover to break up a brothel and ends up in a threesome before the cops can arrest everybody. Then the cops break into the room where the threesome is happening, Jimmy smiles at them, and they let him finish. Best. Episode. Ever.

Winner: Too close to call

All three of these guys really deserve the crown for different reasons. I guess if I was forced to narrow it down to two it would be between Draper and Gavin. Draper because his women are classy and elegant, and Gavin because his women are hot. Yeah, that probably makes me shallow, but I don’t really care.

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