College Football Preview Bonanza

A showdown in the second week of the season? Or is the Ohio State USC game a preview of the BCS Championship?

Let the trumpets sound Hail to the Victors and Fight On; unleash Bevo and Traveller; hear the 12th Man roar. College football is about to begin. Roll out the Ole Ball Coach and the Jeweled Shillelagh. Go to the Swamp or between the Hedges. Visit a valley–Happy or Death. What is a Buckeye? Or a Sooner? Exactly what is happening when the Golden Domers meet Trojans? Bring on the East Coast bias. Bring on the Cardinal and the Orange. The spread option and the fun and gun. Who’s ready for “Whoa Nelly” or the Heisman? It’s time for my third annual college football preview bonanza.

Like last year, I will give an overview of each conference, and I will pick the winner and a dark horse (the Dark Horse cannot be ranked in the current top 25). I will also try to make a hilarious category for each conference, as well as give you the national championship game participants and winner. I will also be making a Heisman pick. So let’s get started.

Pac-10

This is a rebuilding year for a lot of teams in the conference. The pass happy league has traditional powers USC and Oregon replacing starting QBs, while frequent basement dwellers like Washington and Arizona are riding high on the prospects of their experienced signal callers. As always we’ll have to wait and see if Cal can get its shit together and overcome last seasons complete and utter collapse

Winner: USC

That’s a reach right? USC has won the conference title for seven years straight, and I don’t see that stopping anytime soon. Yes, they have huge question marks on offense: Can Mark Sanchez get it done? Will Patrick Turner and Vidal Hazelton remove their heads from their asses, and will the running back situation ever sort itself out? Their is a one word answer to that question–defense. This team reminds me a lot of the team that Matt Leinart took over from Carson Palmer. Expect Brian Cushing and company to carry the Trojans over some early rough patches at Virginia and against Ohio State while Sanchez gets his footing.

Dark Horse: Arizona

I like Willie Tuitama in his senior year. I know people have been waiting for this Arizona squad to make the leap for what seems like forever, but with Mike Stoops’ job on the line it will be interesting to see how his team responds. Arizona also benefits from having a cake walk non-conference schedule (New Mexico, Toledo and Idaho), and they play USC, Cal and rival ASU at home.

Ridiculous

Most Bush League Program: Oregon State

Every attempt the Beavs have made to rise above the shadow of Oregon has blown up in their face. Especially when their attempt to have “cool” uniforms like the Ducks ended up looking like black and orange training bras.

The Big 12

This conference is impossible to predict. ust when you think it comes down to the winner of the Texas, Oklahoma game, some upstart like Missouri or Kansas State throws a wrench into the works. However, I do expect Kansas to replicate some of last year’s success because coach Mark Mangino will eat opponents’ star players.

Winner: Missouri

While Oklahoma would seem to be the obvious choice in this conference, they just have a habit of losing big games to quality teams. Also, Missouri went 11-2 last year and returns nine starters on a team that finished second in the conference in total offense. Missouri also benefits from not having to play Oklahoma during the regular season and they get division rival Kansas at home. It really comes down to the play of Heisman hopeful Chase Daniels as he deals with the national spotlight at a program not used to it.

Dark Horse: Oklahoma State

“This blog is garbage, and the writer who made it is garbage. Attacking amateur athletes for doing everything right…are you kidding me? Where are we at as a society today? Come after me. I’m a MAN. I’m FORTY…Who’s the kid here? Who’s the kid here? Are you kidding me? That’s all I’ve got to say.”

Team you didn’t know existed: Baylor

Apparently it’s located in Waco, Texas, as an enrollment of 14,000 and is the largest Baptist university in the country.

The Big 10

Apparently no one got the memo to notify anyone from this conference that it wasn’t 1974 anymore. Why these teams continue to think that running the ball fifty times a game without even an hint of a passing game will lead to national championships confounds me to no end. Sure, Michigan is going to try to institute the spread, and Purdue runs a version of the Fun and Gun that worked in 2001 when Drew Brees was the quarterback, but until the conference undergoes major change they will continue to get embarrassed by quality non-conference opponents like Appalachian State.

Winner: Ohio State

On paper this team looks scary good. Nine returning starters on offense and nine returning starters on defense. They should without question, run the table in the conference. However, they have to play at USC the second week of the season, and Illinois and Wisconsin on the road. This team could either be extremely dynamic on offense with a returning quarterback and receiving core, or, more likely, they could be extremely boring and give Beanie Wells the ball 30 times a game. Either way, they should beat Minnesota no problem.

Dark Horse: Northwestern

Why? Why not.

Funniest Joke about Joe Paterno’s age I have ever heard:

A friend of mine who went to Penn State recently said that Joe Paterno doesn’t stand on the sidelines anymore, and all that footage they show of him stalking the sidelines is stock from 1983. It’s why he “refuses” to wear head phones.

The Big East

For the last two years I have written that “if the best thing you have to offer comes out of West Virginia you know you are in trouble.” And each year I’ve written that, I have picked a team not from Morgantown. With Syracuse, Cincinnati and Uconn the Big East really is the JV BCS conference.

Winner: South Florida

This team rose as high as number two in the polls last year before going on a three game skid. They have experience on both sides of the ball, and they don’t have to deal with the constant pressure of the Rich Rodriguez soap opera. Plus, that have a guy named Grothe, and that’s a pretty cool name.

Dark Horse: Rutgers

No more Ray Rice, but they are still the University of New Jersey. So, at least they have that going for them.

Team with a kid I went to Elementary school with: Syracuse

His name is Ryan Howard. He’s number 21, and he is the starting punt returner.

ACC

You know for all the crap the Big East gets for being a weak conference, the ACC really is the Andrew Ridgeley of college football conferences. Is that reference not obscure enough for you? How about the ACC is to conferences as Captain Needa is to finding the Millennium Falcon.

Winner: Virginia Tech

Virginia Tech is kind of like USC except that instead of being picked to win based on previous successes they get picked to win by default. No one is going to put their credibility on the line and pick Boston College or Wake Forest. Virginia has consistently posted around eight wins for the last 10 years, which is better than any of the other roller coaster programs in this conference can say.

Dark Horse: Duke

I’m calling it here and now Duke will shock the nation by winning four games this year.

Storyline no one cares about except for Ryan Yanchocik, myself and possibly Matt Makowski: James Bryant

How will the University of Miami overcome the transfer of Hurricane James “The Bonecrusher” Bryant to Louisville? It’s not like you can go anywhere to find a third string linebacker.

SEC

See, the thing about SEC is that it really is the best conference in the country. Their 5th place team going into this season is Tennessee. The other conferences can’t match that. Here are the 5th place teams by conference according to the Athlon season preview magazine: ACC: North Carolina, Big 12: Texas Tech, Big East: Cincinnati, Big Ten: Michigan, and Pac-10: Cal. What do all those teams have in common except for Michigan? No recent national championships and no recent conference championships. Hell, none of them have even been to a BCS game (again, except Michigan). It’s just SEC fans won’t shut up about how unappreciated they are. Their like a supermodel who gets a boob job. You’re already a supermodel? What the hell do you need those for?

Winner: Florida

I’m not on the midnight train to Georgia. Yes, Georgia returns the core to their offense, but they also have inexperience up front. Florida, on the other hand, returns a Heisman trophy winner, Percy Harvin and eight players on defense. Plus, Florida gets LSU at home and Georgia in Jacksonville, which, the last time I checked, is in Florida.

Dark Horse: South Carolina

Steve Spurrier’s a good coach and it’s year four of his tenure. They should upset at least one of the SEC’s top teams. Perhaps LSU when they come to town October 18.

National Championship Game: USC vs. Ohio State

Tell me if this doesn’t sound like a possibility for BCS douchebaggery. USC and Ohio State play each other in the second week of the season. The loser will drop a couple of spots in the polls, but not too many because they lost to a top five team. Both teams run the table in their conferences and all the sudden we have a 12-0 team vs. an 11-1 team. If this happens, and believe me it can and probably will, the universe will collapse in on itself.

Winner: USC

I’m a homer, and I do believe this is the third year in a row I have picked USC. I am o-fer.

Heisman: I have no idea

I just want to use this space to defend Tim Tebow’s winning of the trophy last year. So the big knock on Tebow is that he’s a system quarterback. Well, boo-fucking-hoo. Every quarterback, running back, receiver, lineman, safety and punter is a system whatever. A coaches job is to put the players he recruits into a system that best utilizes their talents. Every team has a system. Carson Palmer had a system; Eric Crouch had a system and even a running back like Barry Sanders had a system. In fact all the Heisman winning running backs were in a system. It was called “let’s give the ball to O.J., Ricky or Ron 30 times or more.” So Tebow’s touchdown numbers are somehow inflated because he always gets the ball in the redzone? How about we think about why he always gets the ball in the redzone, and how he always manages to score touchdowns. You can’t kill a guy for doing what he’s supposed to do, and you can’t discredit him when he does it well.