Sports that should be in the Olympics

Lest we forget...

With the Olympics drawing to a close and the accomplishments of Michael Phelps and Usain Bolt quickly fading behind the ramp up to the Presidential election season, it has become apparent that Olympic achievements do not have the staying power that they once did. Remember when Karrie Strug won the gold medal with a broken leg and throughout the next three months she would randomly show up on shows like Melrose Place where the actors would point at her and say, “is that Karrie Strug?” because the writers couldn’t come up with an adequate Strug-centric plot. No, you probably don’t. Mary Lou Retton won the gold medal in gymnastics and she was in Scrooged. Does that ring any bells? No?

Anyway, my point is that the Olympics have lost some of their glamour in a media culture constantly searching for its next story. Plus, who has really watched the Olympics since Phelps won his eighth medal. The second week lineup of events has read like the red headed stepchild of competition: power walking, diving and synchronized swimming, just to name a few. I think the Olympics should add a couple of sports to drum up interest in the second week.

 

I have a feeling your whole family is going down...

Dodgeball: This is probably the most obvious choice and the least creative. I cannot think of a single person that would not enjoy watching grown men and women hit each other in the face with rubber balls. Plus there would be the hilarity of someone from team Georgia throwing a ball into the crotch of someone from team Russia. The Olympics do not have enough sports where countries can work out their geopolitical aggressions, and dodgeball would provide a nice outlet.

 

 

Capture the Flag: Tell me this wouldn’t be awesome. This could even be divided into two events. First, there would be indoor capture the flag. This event would focus on speed. It would be played on half a football field and have around 10 people per team. Unlike regular capture the flag where you simply need to get the flag to your base, this version would feature a set number of balls or batons or something you can grab, and the object of the game would be to have more “whatevers” in your basket than the other team when time runs out. It’s sort of like Powerball from American Gladiators.  (See video below.)

The other event would be outdoor capture the flag. This game would feature more traditional elements where one team wins when they have the other team’s flag in their base. It would be played in a large field or woods featuring various terrains. There would have to be some kind of twist to make it watchable, and it would be really hard to film because the camera men would give away the positions of the other players. With a few kinks worked out this could be extremely entertaining. I think some kind of GPS system combined with helmet cams and stationary cameras planted throughout the course would really make things interesting.

 

Lawn Rugby: This isn’t a real sport anywhere but on the street where I grew up as a kid. The game was really closer to handball than rugby, but we were eight and could’ve cared less. The game featured a hockey net set up on both sides of the lawn and a one of those mini rubber basketballs that comes with a Playschool rim. Each team had four players: a goalie and three fielders. Besides that, it was no holds barred. The only rules were the sidewalk was out of bounds, and if you were tackled you had to give up possession of the ball. I think if grown men tried to play this game someone would definitely die. Also, the out-of-bounds must be made of concrete and the players can’t wear helmets or any other kind of protective gear. No one got hurt when I was eight. Why would they get hurt now?

 

I hate that clown...

 

Mini-Golf: This is pretty self-explanatory. The best part about this is the host country would go out of its way to design the most elaborate and complicated mini-golf course in history. Can you imagine what kind of course communist China would have designed. Sure, it probably would have been 75% computer generated and the statues representing China’s diversity would have been constructed from the bones of dissenters, but it would’ve been awesome.

Kickball: With baseball and softball leaving the Olympics there is now a lack of base oriented sports. Kickball would have international appeal because it’s a combination of soccer and baseball. The only problem would be calibrating the ball/field for countries who field their washed up soccer stars. Although, now that I think about it, most soccer players can kick the ball three quarters of the field and that’s like 75-80 yards (225-240 ft), so a modified softball field might work. However, the “no bouncies” rule would be in effect as well as the four foul balls equals an out. Plus, if you strike out, everyone playing is obligated by rule to make fun of you—forever.

 

...and Matt Makowski is victorious.

Wallyball: This is probably the one sport with actual Olympic potential. It combines volleyball with racquetball. The players play in an enclosed space, and they are allowed to hit shots off the walls. Instead of bump, set, spike, you have bump, set, ricochet the ball of the wall and into the face of an unsuspecting opponent. Plus, you would have people diving and jumping into walls to make digs—this would be awesome. You think it’s intense when basketball players jump into the crowd to stop the ball from going out of bounds? Imagine players brazenly throwing themselves into walls to make the gold medal save.