It’s a man-off. A man-off.

From left to right: Don Draper of Mad Men, Tony Soprano of The Sopranos, Tommy Gavin of Resuce Me and Jimmy McNulty of The Wire

Back in college the magazine I worked for did a tournament to determine who the manliest man in history was. Contestants included Bruce Lee, Genghis Khan, Mickey Spillane and George Patton. What made a man “manlier” than other is how he fared in three categories: drinking, whoring and fighting. I have decided to extend this format to four of the preeminent male characters on television today: Don Draper from Mad Men, Tony Soprano from the Sopranos, Jimmy McNulty from The Wire and Tommy Gavin from Rescue Me. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s a man-off.

I told you that bitch was crazy

What on earth will this accomplish?

Let’s pretend I ran a football team, and the team I was running was having some trouble. Well, the whole team isn’t having trouble. It’s more like one player is causing the trouble. He’s selfish, makes ridiculous statements to the media and is not a “team player.” Because of this one player, the rest of the team is constantly forced to say and do the right things in order to make up for this one guy. An unspoken level of stress and animosity builds up throughout the team because they can’t understand why this one player who does everything wrong off the field gets all the attention.

Now, if you had to guess what position that guy played what would you say? Wide receiver, right? (Or, Terrell Owens to be specific because that’s who I was thinking about as I wrote the previous paragraph.) A lot has been written about T.O. and why he acts the way he does. But I don’t think I have ever seen an article about what it is about receivers that make them act that way. People like T.O., Chad Johnson, Randy Moss, Kellen Winslow and Jeremy Shockey are just a few in the long line of receivers who are outspoken, talented when they want to be and quite frankly, really annoying. (I know the last two are tight ends, but they are receiving tight ends so save your comment corrections.)

Philosophy for the Shallow: Plato’s Cave, baseball and subjective reality

Once upon a time there was a Greek philosopher who took a bunch of mushrooms and wandered into a cave. He must have started a fire, and in the midst of making shadow puppets on the wall and mumbling to himself he was hit by an hallucinatory bolt of lightning. He realized that he controlled everything that he could see projected on the wall. His mind then jumped to a conclusion that could only be made possible by the presence of hallucinogens—what if everything we see is someone else’s shadow puppets.

When Plato came down, he formulated his Allegory of the Cave. He “philosophized” that most humans are unenlightened because they are content to simply name the shapes and shadows that others are projecting into their reality. However, the enlightened human will eventually turn around, see the “projectionist” behind them and walk outside.

A film studies graduate student ruins Spider-Man

My spidey sense is tingling

In the summer of 2002 Sony Pictures released the highly anticipated adaptation of the popular comic book series Spider-Man.  The film, staring Tobey Maguire and directed by Evil Dead alum Sam Raimi, would go on to smash box office records and usher in a new era of superhero driven cinema.   While many passed off the movie as “popcorn fare”  others saw it as something more.

While the film does brush up against such intriguing topics as the military-industrial complex post 9/11 and the effects a non-traditional family has on adolescence, the most gripping storyline involves young Peter Parker.

U-S-A, U-S-A, U-S-A

Ignore the man behind the curtain.

I was going to try to go the whole Republican convention without writing anything.  I thought that since I didn’t write anything about the democrats it would somehow be unfair to the GOP if I suddenly took umbrage with something they said.

So instead, I took umbrage with something they did.

College Football Preview Bonanza

A showdown in the second week of the season? Or is the Ohio State USC game a preview of the BCS Championship?

Let the trumpets sound Hail to the Victors and Fight On; unleash Bevo and Traveller; hear the 12th Man roar. College football is about to begin. Roll out the Ole Ball Coach and the Jeweled Shillelagh. Go to the Swamp or between the Hedges. Visit a valley–Happy or Death. What is a Buckeye? Or a Sooner? Exactly what is happening when the Golden Domers meet Trojans? Bring on the East Coast bias. Bring on the Cardinal and the Orange. The spread option and the fun and gun. Who’s ready for “Whoa Nelly” or the Heisman? It’s time for my third annual college football preview bonanza.

Like last year, I will give an overview of each conference, and I will pick the winner and a dark horse (the Dark Horse cannot be ranked in the current top 25). I will also try to make a hilarious category for each conference, as well as give you the national championship game participants and winner. I will also be making a Heisman pick. So let’s get started.

Sports that should be in the Olympics

Lest we forget...

With the Olympics drawing to a close and the accomplishments of Michael Phelps and Usain Bolt quickly fading behind the ramp up to the Presidential election season, it has become apparent that Olympic achievements do not have the staying power that they once did. Remember when Karrie Strug won the gold medal with a broken leg and throughout the next three months she would randomly show up on shows like Melrose Place where the actors would point at her and say, “is that Karrie Strug?” because the writers couldn’t come up with an adequate Strug-centric plot. No, you probably don’t. Mary Lou Retton won the gold medal in gymnastics and she was in Scrooged. Does that ring any bells? No?

Anyway, my point is that the Olympics have lost some of their glamour in a media culture constantly searching for its next story. Plus, who has really watched the Olympics since Phelps won his eighth medal. The second week lineup of events has read like the red headed stepchild of competition: power walking, diving and synchronized swimming, just to name a few. I think the Olympics should add a couple of sports to drum up interest in the second week.

Sammuel Jackson does Shakespeare

Yes, they deserve to die, and I hope they burn in hell.

The inspiration for this comes from two sources: First, this scene from Pulp Fiction, and second this sketch from season two of the Chappelle Show. With that in mind I have reinterpreted Hamlet’s “To be or not to be” speech for Mr. Jackson. As a fair warning, I don’t really know who is reading this still so both the links and the speech after the jump contain copious amounts of swearing and violence. Not really for the faint of heart.

Why so serious?

Batman is Jung

Because I am a dork I am about to reference a deleted scene from Pulp Fiction. It occurs when John Travolta’s character goes to pick up Uma Thurman’s character for their date. As Travolta sits their rolling a cigarette, Thurman comes out from wherever she was with a video camera and begins to interview Travolta. The question that generates the most conversation between the two is when Thurman asks Travolta if he is a Beatles man or an Elvis man. I forget exactly how it goes, but the agreement the two characters come to is that while it may be perfectly acceptable to like both, you can only truly love one.

I believe the same thing goes for Batman and Superman. Of all the superheroes, except for maybe Spider-Man, Batman and Superman are our two greatest and most recognizable. Like the Beatles and Elvis, everything that came after them bears their mark. A story can only be told so many ways, and Batman and Superman not only did it first, but they also did it the best.

So, I am a Batman guy, pure and simple. I can watch Superman movies and shows and enjoy them, but nothing else in the Superhero world gives me the joy of something involving the caped crusader. Even the goofy ’60s TV show starring Adam West ranks higher on my list of hero-centric entertainment than anything featuring Clark Kent. But the real reason I like Batman more than Superman is that he’s just a better character.

Chris Carrabba is more “rock and roll” than you’ll ever be

Yeah, this guy.

I remember in high school I was sitting at lunch one day and a friend of mine, who shall remain nameless, sat down at the table looking very upset. We all ignored him for awhile until he finally spoke up. “Hey guys, do you ever go home after school and lock yourself in your room and listen to Dashboard and just cry?” We all waited a second for him to start laughing, hoping that he was joking, but by the look on his face we could tell that he wasn’t. This was my first venture into the world of “Emo.”

Starting in the early 2000’s a giant whine was spreading across the country. Pop-punk mentalities were being mixed with the nasal voiced angst of the next generation. This movement came to be called “Emo,” and its face was one Chris Carrabba. Carrabba fronted the one man band named Dashboard Confessional. He sang songs with titles such as “Screaming Infidelities” and “Vindicated” with lyrics such as, “As for now I’m gonna hear the saddest songs, /and sit alone and wonder, how you’re making out. / and as for me I wish that I was anywhere, with anyone, making out.”

Despite the sappy sentimentalism of the music, it took off. “Emo,” originally derived from a subgenre of the hardcore scene called “emotional hardcore,” seemed to be attracting hordes of disaffected youths much like the punk and Goth movements had earlier. However, like all subcultures, there was a backlash, and Carrabba and his band bore the brunt of it.